My Open Letter to Jacques Parizeau

Dear Jacques,

I have not seen you since you and the missus were dancing the Macarena at some gala at Place des Arts many moons ago. Please forgive me for not having gotten in touch sooner. I had been meaning to write, but you know what’s it’s like. Justin Trudeau has let go of his Senators and Justin Bieber has just let go.

These days I have been so busy watching so many of our Quebecois athletes snapping up all those medals, but I told myself I simply had to write you. Just a few months ago, I had a penned a missive to our mutual friend Pauline asking her to pop by CJAD, which, I am reliably assured, is her favorite radio station.

She has not, as yet, taken me up on the invitation, but I am sure she is extremely busy with affairs of state, religious headgear and trying on shoes at Aldo. She also has to deal with the effrontery of those horrid Caquistes who keep asking about some “deal” involving her husband, one Claude Blanchet.

Jacques my friend, I recall with a certain “je ne sais quoi” how concerned you were that fateful night in 1995 when you singled out “money” and "ethnics”. These days, you appear to be less concerned with the ethnics and all their strange ways and far more concerned about the economy. It’s one thing for the ethnics to go, but one would not want them taking their money with them, now would one?

I hear that you are especially concerned with the state of small and medium-sized business, suggesting that a “drastic remedy” is needed to ensure their success. You are so right when you say we are living beyond our means. I know it’s true, but I bet Pauline is none too pleased with you at the moment. Don’t take it  personally. I am sure that deep down, she does appreciate your candor. Let’s face it - Bernard Drainville does not have a Ph.D  from the London School of Economics and you do.

Pauline won’t listen to me for some reason, but perhaps you can prevail upon her to devote some of her attention to the small matter of our $261 billion debt. Last I heard she was entertaining the locals in Trois-Rivieres by promising prosperity and a “poulet” in every pot.

But Jacques, I must tell you that I am frankly concerned about her. She seems to be spending far too much time with that Fatima Houda-Pepin woman, who has taken to peddling her own charter.

Fatima, I am told, seems especially concerned with the growth of fundamentalism. You know what that means? For all we know, she might soon start annoying the hardworking staff at the OQLF!

It is amazing. Here you are at a sprightly 83 standing up to Pauline while that mild-mannered Dr. Couillard took weeks to muster up the courage to send Fatima on her way.

Our friend Philippe has not been in the best of spirits lately and, if you are planning to get him a nice bottle from your lovely vineyard in France, remember that he will be celebrating his 57th birthday just two days after Fête St. Jean Baptiste where everyone will be welcome provided, of course, they are not wearing a kippa, hijab or a turban. I mean, you wouldn’t want such non-Quebec values ruining a perfectly blue and white national celebration now, would you?

Still no word from dear Jean-François about exactly how much to fine someone wearing a hijab before they are fired. Best regards from my real-estate agent and I hope to hear from you before the next election.

À la prochaine


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